Leading with the addition of Tough Love

I recently wrote about leading with love and how it is so important to focus on a people first approach.  However that doesn’t mean everything is soft and fluffy and whilst some people use the analogy that teams are a family, I prefer the analogy that teams are like elite level sports - as to succeed in business we need want to focus on high performance and winning.

Reed Hastings, the Netflix founder describes this succinctly by saying  “Ultimately, it is about performance, unlike a family, which is really about unconditional love.”

(As an aside I still enjoy reading the original Netflix Culture deck which can be viewed here.)

For those that know me well, they know I am an avid Aston Villa fan.  We have enjoyed success in recent years primarily due to the appointment of Unai Emery as Manager.  He clearly is very good tactically fuelled by an insatiable focus on analysing the competition.  However he is also clearly passionate from the side lines and he will very quickly give immediate feedback to players if he needs them to be doing something different on the pitch.

I do think clear feedback is absolutely critical to drive performance.

I once had a member of a sales team he said to me  “How come you are the only person who can give me a b#*lock~*g and I end up saying thank you?”

For me, I think you can definitely give direct feedback without shouting and do it in a polite considered way.  Ultimately I think all of us want to be the best version of ourselves and when direct feedback is delivered in a considered way welcome opportunities to be better.  

He and I then went on to co-found a company together and successfully exited shortly afterwards and remain good friends to this day.

Kim Scott has written a great book “Radical Candor” where she describes a 2 by 2 matrix for leaders that combines caring personally (vertical) whilst challenging directly (horizontal). 

Scott describes four quadrants and leadership styles:

Ruinous Empathy (High on Care Personally but low on Challenge Directly) for example you are nice but avoid tough conversations which leads to poor performance and confusion.

Obnoxious Aggression (Low on Care Personally and High on Challenge Directly) for example a leader has brutal honesty but without empathy which may get results but damages relationships.

Manipulative Insincerity (Low on both Care Personally and Challenging directly) for example they typically are often passive-aggressive and demonstrate political behaviour.

And finally the ideal leadership style Radical Candor (High on both Care Personally and Challenge Directly) for example telling someone their presentation was weak, and then helping them improve.

By consistently being high on both caring personally and challenging directly it ensures you are consistently a strong, effective leader without losing your humanity. It promotes open, honest, and respectful communication, creating a culture of trust, accountability, and high performance.

However, I have to say I think it is more difficult to do when we are not together in person and communicating via video.  I certainly find it more difficult to effectively give direct and challenging feedback via Zoom/Teams but that may just be me!? 

As always would welcome your views and comments.